


Top Ten Ways to Know if the Cute Barista You Thought Was Straight Is Actually Gay

by zayndotcom



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Attempt at Humor, Crack, M/M, also namkook cameo bc i love them, and yugyeom: the cute barista who may or may not be straight, bambam: a gay mess, featuring-, mark: the reluctant friend, side markson and jjp, youngjaes probably a hoe in this au dont worry hes not alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-05 01:44:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16358273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zayndotcom/pseuds/zayndotcom
Summary: “oh, my god,” bambam exclaims, ignoring everything mark had just said, “that means super fucking cute Straight barista has a gay friend! does this make him gay? what's the probability of him liking dick now?”“i- bambam i don’t think it works like that,” mark tries to reason with him but of course it’s already a lost cause.or in which yugyeom is a cute cafe barista, bambam is a hopeless gay mess and everyone else is being dragged along for the ride





	Top Ten Ways to Know if the Cute Barista You Thought Was Straight Is Actually Gay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jincess](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jincess/gifts).



> h-hi i wrote half of this fic in January of this year and then got a sudden burst of inspiration and finished it in the last week. i got like 8 assignments due that i havent even thought about but heres nearly 4k words of bambam bein a mess 
> 
> (@jincess i saw the fic you gifted to me and i was going to comment but i was like NO i cant just Comment??????? i Have to write them a fic back so i did fjfkhsjd ur lil note for me make me smile so much and ur lil fic made me smile so much everyone go read the fic right now id link it but i dont know how im sorry.)

bambam glances at the guy standing by the counter, eyes narrowing as he purses his lips in thought. 

 

“do you think he’s gay?” 

 

mark sighs, rolling his eyes, “can you stop asking if every guy who walks in here is gay? you’re gonna get us thrown out.”

 

“the homophobia is rampant today,” bambam says, turning to look at mark and frowning as he takes a sip of his coffee.

 

“ _ i’m gay _ ,” mark says, the answer he gives every time bambam calls him out for his discrimination. 

 

he hums in response. “sure you are.”

 

“we literally met at a gay mixer,  _ and _ you’re close friends with  _ my boyfriend _ . i don’t know why you have to question  _ my _ sexuality all the time,” mark doesn’t look annoyed, just disappointed and slightly frustrated. 

 

“because it annoys you,” bambam grins, successfully dodging the packet of sugar mark throws at him. 

 

“bambam,” a voice from above them catches their attention, the tone scolding. 

 

“jaebum-hyung, what are you doing here? this is a full gays only event,” bambam says and jaebum doesn’t look impressed. 

 

this time he doesn’t get a chance to dodge the hand that mark throws at him, the slap landing on the top of his head and causing him to cry out. 

 

“now you’re being homophobic, bam,” mark retorts, sounding smug. 

 

jaebum ignores them both, sliding into the chair across from them. the cafe is basically empty, so he drags another chair over from the table beside them, confirming that jinyoung is also here. the table that mark and bambam snagged in a secluded part of the cafe (it was mark’s turn to choose the table this time) is starting to get cramped. 

 

two mugs of coffee are placed onto the table, “what’s this i hear about bambam being homophobic?”

 

“hyung,” bambam pouts at jinyoung as he slides one of the mugs over to jaebum, who smiles in thanks, “i’m not homophobic, mark is.”

 

mark hits him again and bambam squawks, “ _ see! _ ”

 

“apparently we aren’t invited because we’re not ‘full gays’,” jaebum says, smirking as he takes a sip of his drink. 

 

“bambam-ah,” jinyoung says warningly, “what do you have against bisexuals?” 

 

bambam gulps. “nothing!” he all but shouts, “i think bisexuals are great!” the end of his statement is nearly a scream. 

 

there’s an awkward cough from behind him and bambam nearly snaps his neck and knocks the table over in fright as he looks at the intruder. 

 

“er…” the cute barista says, looking uncomfortable, “are you finished with that?” he gestures towards the empty cups on the table and bambam nods, in a daze. 

 

the barista bends towards the table, clearing his throat and blinking cutely when locks of grey hair fall into his eyes. “i- um..” he says, but doesn’t finish his sentence as he coughs awkwardly again. 

 

or does it just sound like an awkward cough because bambam is feeling awkward? emotions are weird, it could be a cough of barely concealed rage for all he knows. either way it’s a cute cough, not that that has anything to do with the intent behind the cough it’s just something notes to himself. 

  
sentence seemingly forgotten, the barista hurriedly collects the dirty dishes, bambam remaining silent for almost the full minute he's at the table (bambam can hear mark's voice in his head - "a new record!"). he makes eye contact with bambam as he straightens up, plates balanced in one hand, and for a second bambam thinks he might say something again - but instead he shakes his head a little, bangs falling into his eyes, and flees back to the counter.

 

bambam lets his head slam onto the table with a groan. 

 

“i’m assuming that’s the ‘ _ super fucking cute barista _ ’ you’ve been talking about for the last month,” jinyoung says and bambam groans again.

 

“straight barista, super fucking cute Straight barista,” bambam corrects, mouth curling at the word ‘straight.’

 

mark scoffs. “how do you know he’s straight? remember what happened last time you assumed things.” 

 

“this is completely different to the jackson situation! jackson just gives off the straight fuckboi vibe, okay.” bambam defends himself, finally picking his head off of the table to glare at mark. though his glare doesn’t have the effect he wants because he didn’t style his hair this morning and it's falling over his eyes in messy bangs, obscuring his vision. 

 

“and yet you still let him fuck you?” mark snaps, apparently still bitter over what is ancient history. 

 

“why are you still salty about that? it happened like a hundred years ago. i didn’t even know you back then,” bambam retorts. 

 

“you literally fucked my boyfriend,” mark hisses. 

 

“not-boyfriend,” bambam corrects, “and besides you promised you wouldn’t hold any of my actions against me when i was going through my hoe phase, i’m a better man than i once was. no more letting random men fuck me in cramped bathrooms of strangers houses, i’m a pure man now.” 

 

“ _ pure _ ,” jinyoung scoffs in disbelief, pulling his phone out of his pocket and scrolling, “text message received from Kunpimook Bhuwakul, two days ago, at 4pm: ‘ _ gays my new t.a. is so fucking hot i’d let him shove his cock so far down my throat that it leaves an imprint in my guts so i can feel it everytime i breathe, but like no homo.’”  _

 

bambam whines, “did you really have to pull out my full name when reading that sin? i regret ever teaching you how to say it. also i sound nothing like that and i resent you.” 

 

“you disgust me,” jaebum says. 

 

“don’t act all high and mighty and pretend that you didn’t let jinyoung-hyung fist you in a mcdonalds bathroom that one time,” bambam rolls his eyes, unbothered. 

 

“i- how do you- you have no proof that ever happen!” jaebum flushes, embarrassed and flustered. 

 

mark shakes his head, “you should have just sat there and drank your tea, jaebum-ah.” 

 

“anygay,” bambam lets his gaze fall onto the super fucking cute Straight barista again, sighing wistfully, “the honest to god lust of my life is definitely straight and i’m cursed with a life of loneliness.” 

 

jinyoung sighs loudly, sipping his tea obnoxiously, “stop being such a fucking bitch and just go talk to him.”

 

“i can't,” bambam moans pathetically, still watching the super fucking cute Straight barista being all cute while breathing and shit. ugh, when bambam becomes president of the world he's making it illegal for hot people to exist within seeing range of him. 

 

“why?” jinyoung asks. 

 

“i'm gay,” he answers and everyone at the table groans, “and you all know gay people can't just approach their crushes, the universe will collapse or something. a Gay Mess Paradox.”

 

“pretty sure that's just a bambam thing, not a gay thing,” mark says. 

 

“maybe so,” bambam agrees, “but i need to know if he's even a little bit into cock before i make my shot.” 

 

jaebum clenches his fist, eyes flaming, “everything you say makes me so indescribably angry.”

 

“thank you,” bambam says, “i’m gonna need your help though guys, i can’t get this sort of info on my own.” 

 

“no way,” mark shakes his head, “you’re on your own, i’m not getting involved in this.” 

 

bambam smiles.  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


mark somehow manages to find himself involved. like always. 

 

they’re walking towards mark’s apartment from campus, ready to spend a nice and relaxing night watching movies and shit talking people with jackson when bambam gasps, freezing and slapping mark on the shoulder harshly.

 

“what the fuck?” mark hisses, stopping with him and hitting him back. he was so close to getting home… so close.

 

“look,” bambam points desperately, eyes slightly crazed as he drags mark to hide behind a lamp post. 

 

they’re both skinny, sure, but a lamp post is sure as fuck not going to do anything to conceal them. mark doesn’t even bother to try and reason with bambam, the crazy fuck. 

 

“what am i supposed to be looking at?” mark asks, hoping that indulging bambam will get this all over quickly so they can go home and he can cuddle with his boyfriend, and probably bambam as well because the little shit refuses to stop third wheeling and has a habit of forcing himself between any couple. 

 

“it’s the super fucking cute Straight barista,” he explains, “i didn’t know he went here. how long have we been in the same university and i’ve never seen him around here before. why does god hate me so much.” 

 

“probably because you tried to suck your professor’s dick when you were failing a class,” mark says, squinting to get a better look. 

 

he sees the barista sitting on a bench, enthusiastically gesturing as he talks and to give it to bambam, he is pretty cute. he throws his head back in laughter, slapping his friend on the shoulder and wait, is that- “hey bam, isn’t that jacks’ friend, namjoon’s boyfriend.” 

 

“namjoon-ssi has a boyfriend, i thought he was straight,” bambam gapes. 

 

mark sighs, “you’re fucking hopeless. and yes he does, you were literally there last time namjoon was over and waxed poetry about his bunny teeth and windpipe crushing thighs for two hours.” 

 

“oh, my god,” bambam exclaims, ignoring everything mark had just said, “that means super fucking cute Straight barista has a gay friend! does this make him gay? what the probability of him liking dick now?” 

 

“i- bambam i don’t think it works like that,” mark tries to reason with him but of course it’s already a lost cause. 

 

“mark, quick log onto buzzfeed, they’ll know! i’m sure they have a ‘ _ Top Ten Ways to Know if the Cute Barista You Thought Was Straight Is Actually Gay _ ’ listicle. i wonder where having a gay friend ranks?” 

 

“... you can’t log onto-” mark gives up and takes a deep, calming, breath, “bambam being your friend was the biggest mistake i’ve ever made.” 

 

“quick we need to get home,” mark has never been so happy to hear words come out of bambam’s mouth, “i can’t approach him yet, we need to do more research. buzzfeed will have the answers, they always do.” 

 

whoops, he immediately ruined it by talking again. 

 

“ _ we _ ?” mark splutters, “bambam, why can’t you just be a normal person? please, just once.” 

 

“hey!” bambam pouts, offended, “you said you’d help me!.” 

 

mark hits him again and bambam yelps, “i literally said the complete opposite of that.” 

 

“yeah, well, i need help.” 

 

“fuc-” 

 

“mark-ssi!” a voice calls out, interrupting their whispered yelling behind the pole that was doing nothing to hide them. they both look up and oh, no- namjoon’s boyfriend is waving at them from where he’s sitting at them bench with ‘the lust of bambam’s life’. 

 

mark awkwardly raises a hand in greeting, bambam hyperventilating beside him as he tugs on his jumper.  

 

“ _ this is not how i’m supposed to approach him, mark. we gotta go, quick. what would buzzfeed do in this situation _ ?” he panics, frantically tugging at mark but he ignores him. 

 

“hi- er, jungkook, right? namjoon-ah’s boyfriend?” mark guesses, trying to act like a normal person but he can't actually move out from behind the pole because of bambam's grip on his sleeve. he’s only met namjoon's boyfriend once before, briefly, but he’s pretty sure that’s his name. or so he hopes. 

 

bambam’s tugging on his sleeve is becoming more aggressive and distracting. if he rips mark’s jumper with his chicken limbs… 

 

jungkook nods, smiling and mark can see bambam’s crush looking at them curiously. he goes to say something else but is being pulled by a surprisingly strong force before he can. 

 

“sorry,” bambam cries dramatically, shifting his glance to the super fucking cute Straight barista’s direction every couple of seconds as he pulls mark away, “i- uh, think my goldfish is drowning, we gotta go and like, save him. bye.” 

 

and with that he sprints away, vice like grip on mark’s sleeve dragging the older unwillingly behind him. they don’t stop until they’re a street away from mark’s apartment, both sweating and panting. 

 

“i-” mark takes him a breath so hard he thinks he busts a lung open, “ _ hate you _ .” 

 

“crisis averted,” bambam grins, at what, mark couldn’t tell you.

 

“you call that  _ averted _ ?” 

 

bambam nods, satisfied, “yes, now let's go home. buzzfeed is waiting for us.” 

 

“new friends,” mark mumbles, shaking his head, “i need new friends.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


 

bambam stops, the door of the cafe mocking him as he checks his reflection his the mirror, smoothing down his jacket and fiddling with his hair- not that his hair has the ability to move anymore after the fourth time he bleached it. he pats delicately around his eyes, leaning in to get a better look at himself through the reflection of the glass and smudging the eye shadow there a little bit. 

 

the door opens suddenly and bambam stumbles back, the woman walking out with a coffee in his hand giving him a strange look before she hurries away. 

 

he lets out a deep breath, he can do this. even if mark had said this was ‘ _ worst idea i’ve ever heard, bambam just approach him like a normal person, please! i’m begging you! _ ” but what does he know? 

 

sadly, buzzfeed had failed him. it gave him absolutely no answers as to how to tell if the super fucking cute Straight barista was gay or not, (though he does know what type of staircase he is now- he got the staircase one direction used to sit on when they did video diaries during the x factor, it feels right), so bambam is on his own. 

 

decidedly as ready as he was ever going to be, bambam walks into the cafe and his eyes immediately fall onto the super fucking cute Straight barista, who- shockingly enough, is looking super cute today. 

 

he swaunters up to the counter, mustering all the fake confidence he has within himself as he says, “hi.” 

 

the super fucking cute Straight barista looks amused, more at ease than bambam has ever seen him, “hey,” he answers back. 

 

hey? that’s pretty gay, right? it rhymes with gay at least. bambam wishes he had time to google the different ways gays greet each other out in public. 

 

“so,” super fucking cute Straight barista says, blinking prettily “would you like your usual?” 

 

usual? gay? correlation? 

 

“i- yes,” fuck, why is bambam such a gay mess, he hands over the money in a daze. 

 

super fuckin- bambam really needs to come up with a shorter nickname for hi- wait, he squints, has he been wearing a name tag this whole time?  _ yugyeom _ . shit, he’s been going to this cafe for a month and a half and he’s only found out he’s been wearing a name tag now.

 

sup-  _ yugyeom _ punches in the order, humming to himself, bambam thinks he’s going to have a heart attack because he’s so cute. 

 

“would you like anything else?” yugyeom asks and fuck, he’s wearing grey contacts to go with his grey hair- god just strike him down now! it would hurt less!

 

“oh, er- yes,” now it’s time to put his plan into action, “do you have cap locks turn off on your phone?” 

 

the only way to subtly find out if yugyeom was gay or not is to quiz him on stuff that’s common gay knowledge. he has a list of ‘things gay people do’ that he memorised from a buzzfeed article, and bambam thinks this is a pretty fool proof plan. 

 

yugyeom’s mouth opens, taken aback, “... i’m not sure, i think so?” 

 

hmm, that sounds pretty bisexual to bambam. 

 

“can you drive?” 

 

“... yes.” 

 

_ shit _ , everyone knows gays can’t drive! maybe bisexuals can? both jaebum and jinyoung know how to drive. 

 

“how are your maths skills? can you calculate a tip?” 

 

“i mean i kinda have to know a little bit of maths for this job? so maybe like a 5, i dunno?” yugyeom being to look very confused now, staring at bambam strangely, his lip twitching. 

 

these answers are too vague, it’s not enough info. buzzfeed never prepared him to this and the embarrassment or all but interrogating a man who barely knows him at his day job is starting to settle in. 

 

“d-do you know what ‘wig’ means?” 

 

yugyeom purses his lips, “... wig?” he repeats blankly. 

 

oh no, bambam thinks forlornly, he’s a local. 

 

“hurry the fuck up,” someone yells behind him and yugyeom is handed a coffee, which he passes to bambam. 

 

he sends bambam an awkward smile, “enjoy your coffee.” 

 

bambam takes the coffee from him, hands sweating. fucking shit, he’s really fucked this up now. maybe mark was right and he should have approached yugyeom like a normal person and just asked him out. 

 

“y-you too.” 

 

bambam freezes, brain registering the words he just said and shame fills body. he feels the urge to find the nearest cliff just so he can fling his useless body off of the side so he never has to interact with cute boys ever again. 

 

yugyeom laughs awkwardly and bambam can’t take it anymore, he spins on his heels and all but runs out of the cafe. 

 

as he power walks to mark’s apartment with the full intention of burying himself under his blankets and never leaving them again, he makes a vow to himself that next time he see yugyeom he’s going to confess to him, gayness or straightness be damned- if only to put himself out of his own misery. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


youngjae watches yugyeom’s crush scamper out of the cafe from where he was standing at the side of the counter and watching the whole, frankly painful but undeniably hilarious, encounter happen before him, rolling his eyes as he turns to yugyeom, “when are you gonna put that mess out of his misery and just tell him you’re a flaming homo like the rest of us?” 

 

yugyeom grins, leaning against the counter beside youngjae, “soon enough, he’s just cute when he’s flustered.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“mark~,” bambam whines, forehead pressed against the table, defeated. 

 

mark stays silent. 

 

“hyung~,” he tries again, stamping his feet now, “i think i have to move back to thailand, there’s nothing left for me here now. i have embarrassed my family's name for long enough.” 

 

bambam feels a pat on his head, “it’s not that bad, bammie,” jackson coos and of course he thinks that, he’s not aware of even half of this whole situation. he knows nothing of bambam’s suffering!

 

he hears mark huff finally, the first sign he’s shown that he’s alive since they sat down in the cafe, “he’s probably just not working today, stop being so dramatic.” 

 

“i can’t,” he moans, “i’m gay.” 

 

“stop using your sexuality as an excuse for everything you do.” 

 

“no.” 

 

bambam lifts his head up to take a sad sip of his mostly forgotten coffee; they’ve been sitting here for half an hour now and there’s still been no sign of super fuc-  _ yugyeom _ since they’ve come in. god, what if bambam was so embarrassing the other day that yugyeom quit his job out of disgust and dropped out of university just so he’d never had to bump into bambam’s sorry ass ever again. 

 

“did you even find out if he was into dudes or not,” mark asks eventually, “or do you want to confess now to finally put us all out of the unending pain this whole situation has caused us.” 

 

jackson side eyes him, “and you called bam-ah dramatic.” 

 

mark ignores him. 

 

“i didn’t,” bambam says, “or well, i don’t know. it’s harder to tell when people are gay or not than i originally thought.” 

 

“you didn’t think namjoon was gay even after you met his boyfriend,” jackson points out. 

 

“exactly,” bambam nods, like that proves anything, “i honestly was just hoping that if i shooted my shot he’d be so taken by me that even if he was straight he wouldn't be anymore and we could skip to the being in love part.” 

 

“‘shooted’ is not a word,” mark says. 

 

“love,” jackson raises his eyebrows, “that’s pretty tame for you, bam.” 

 

“my like for yugyeom is pure,” bambam says solemnly, before pursing his lips, “but i also want him to blow my back out. like can yugyeom blow my back out like yesterday? can he please blow my back out!” 

 

jackson stares and mark sighs sadly, “why did i let myself believe that just this once you would have a very innocent and pure crush on a possibly straight man.” 

 

“it is innocent and pure,” bambam says, not noticing both mark’s and jackson’s eyes shift from him to somewhere above him, “but that doesn’t mean i don’t want yugyeom to shove his dick so far down my throat that i feel it for literal days and every time i talk i’m reminded of how big his dick is. because i know it's big, i just know it!” he slams his hands down on the table, passion coursing through his veins. 

 

someone clears their throat above him and the passion that was coursing through his veins now turns to dread.

 

“i’m flattered truly,” the voice says and oh, holy shit, “but i’m just about to go on shift. maybe the- uh, dick shoving can happen at… half six? when i’m finished?” 

 

bambam turns in his seat slowly, neck craning as he meets the eyes of none other than super fucking cute Straight barista himself, who’s looking at him with a shit eating grin that definitely should not be as hot as it is. 

 

“b-but you’re straight,” bambam stutters, mind apparently turned to mush because  _ that  _ was the best response he could come up with. 

 

yugyeom raises his eyebrows, attractively, and points to his apron where a little rainbow flag pin is attached to his chest. bambam chokes. 

 

“i wore this because i was hoping that it’d be obvious enough that even  _ you  _ would be able to guess,” yugyeom winks and bambam thinks he’s gonna die, “i was coming over here to collect your cups and see if you’d catch on but instead i overheard a very… interesting conversation.” 

 

bambam gasps in a breath, “please let me suck your dick right now, just call into work sick or something. i’ll even take you out afterwards so i can boyfriend the shit out of you and make up for lost time,” he stands up, placing his hands on yugyeom’s shoulder. 

 

yugyeom glances over his shoulder, “but i’m already clocked into work, my boss is literally staring at us right now.” 

 

“just say you have a family emergency. c’mon, i’ll give you the best cock sucking of your life, you can get another job if they fire you.” 

 

yugyeom hums, “okay, you’ve convinced me,” and he grabs bambam’s hand, pulling him away from the table and out of the cafe. 

 

mark narrows his eyes at their retreating back.

 

there’s quiet at the table before jackson speaks up, “bambam’s gonna suck his dick in the alley way, isn’t he?” it’s a rhetorical question, they both know the answer is yes. 

 

“i don’t like them together,” mark mumbles, “they’re too chaotic, i feel like they’re both gonna make my life a living hell.” 

 

jackson smiles to himself, “i think they’re cute, dick sucking in the alley aside.” 

 

“of course you do,” mark rolls his eyes. 

  
and later on, when bambam sends a picture of him and yugyeom throwing up peace signs in a bowling alley with the caption  _ ‘guess who just got railed in a public bathroom _ ’, followed by a series of unfortunate emojis, mark can only dread what sort of chaotic gayness they’ll surely reign down on his life for the foreseeable future. 

**Author's Note:**

> p-pls give me validation sjdkfhdsjk also as always yasssssssssssssmmmmmmiiiiinnnnnnn i looooOOooOooove u thank u for always listening to me complain about writing fics and giving me the best ideas i lov e u 
> 
> and @jincess if u read this fic i hope u like it and it's a worthy response to the fic u gifted me and thank u for doing the lords work with bam-tober and creating all that bambam fic content for the bamnation we appreciate u (and by we i mean i, i am the bamnation) 
> 
> follow me on tumblr @jaebumisbald if u wanna watch me make oddly specific posts about got7 or on twitter @jaebald where i compared bambam to an ood for dw today for some reason???


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